I can't believe they rejected my submission to "Overheard in New York."
Man, on sidewalk: Taxi!
If the Office Depot site didn’t keep giving me a server runtime error, I would be ordering a thousand of these.
No, your hypothetical business card is pretentious!
Dear City Planner,
I’m writing to you because I have recently become distressed as to the slope of my roof. What if I want to store things up there? Where am I meant to keep my snakes?
Yours,
Mike Fall
Dear Mr. Fall,
You appear to be very confused about what a city planner does. We had nothing to do with your roof — that would be the responsibility of your architect or project manager. They probably built the roof to slope so that rainwater does not collect and stagnate, creating a health hazard for you and your neighbors.
I hope you manage to work out a situation for your pets. I must remind you that local ordinance requires that all serpents be kept in an appropriate enclosure.
Sincerely,
Erin Coule,
City Planner
Dear City Planner,
One of my pythons has escaped and is slowly squeezing me to death.
Help,
Mike Fall
Dear Mike,
That would fall under the remit of the local emergency services, not city planning.
Best wishes,
Erin Coule,
City Planner
Dear City Planner,
He escaped because I tried to put him on the roof and he slid off it and onto me.
In quite a lot of pain here,
Mike Fall
Mike,
Still not a situation that requires the intervention of the city planning department.
Please stop sending us letters,
Erin Coule,
City Planner.
Seeing as we’re sharing, my first thought upon reading that DM was “go fuck yourself.”
Ah, who needs self-esteem, anyway?
An illustration of what happens when you teach gay marriage in schools.
- Teacher: And so you see, children, sometimes people get married to other people of the same sex.
- Johnny: Sir? May I be excused? My eyes have suddenly started bleeding.
- Teacher: Yes, of course, Johnny. Timmy -- will you escort Johnny to the nurse's office?
- Timmy: I can't, Sir.
- Teacher: Well, why not?
- Timmy: Because my legs don't work anymore.
- Teacher: Oh no. Oh, this is terrible. Quick, Louie -- run and get help!
- Louie: Sorry, Sir -- I'm too busy taking drugs and fornicating.
- Teacher: Oh no, Louie. Not *drugs*?
- Louie: That's right -- drugs. Weird sex drugs.
I’d call it an “emperor has no clothes” situation, but that’s so clichéd that Dave Eggers would appear from thin air and punch me.
Anyway. A joke. Sort of.
So this idealist is talking to his relativist friend, and the idealist says
“I hope for the best of all possible worlds.”
And the relativist turns to him and replies
“Best compared to what?”
And then the idealist punches the relativist in the mouth for being a fence-sitting jerk.
