Friday July 3rd 2009, 6:40pm
Palin's reasons for leaving office early (as best I can discern from her speech).
- Her administration has massive accomplishments.
- She privatized dairy, you guys!
- The press don’t talk about the good stuff she’s doing :( :(
- She has had to fight (and win!) a bunch of “frivolous” ethics lawsuits. Now that they’re all gone, it’s time to leave office so government money isn’t spent fighting them. Something something great state of Alaska.
- She wants to fight for her country. Just not in any official capacity. Because who needs that, right?
- It is a waste of money and time to keep her in office.
- She will not run for re-election, and does not want to be a lame-duck governor. So she’ll just leave office so that can’t happen.
- She is good at basketball. Point guard. Something something winning.
- This isn’t politics as usual (governors usually complete their terms.)
- People keep mocking Trig.
- The world needs more children with Down Syndrome.
- We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction. Away.
- We are looking to the future! In New Hampshire and Iowa!
Luke 8:40-49
Jesus: Ew, someone just touched me.
Peter: Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.
Jesus: No, seriously, someone just touched me and it's gross.
Judas: Who cares, Jesus?
Matthew: It was her! The unclean woman at the back!
Woman: I'm sorry, I have been bleeding for twelve years. I just wanted it to stop.
Jesus: Oh that is *gross*. Peter, switch loincloths with me, mine has period-woman cooties now.
Judas: It's really not a big deal, Jesus.
Jesus: Look, Judas, I know gay guys like you don't know anything about women, but what goes on down there is disgusting. It is *disgusting*.
Judas: I really feel like you're over-reacting to what is just simple biology.
Jesus: So's your Mom.
Judas: ...Whatever. Come on, we've got to hurry to Jairus's house and heal his daughter.
Jesus: We have to do *what*, now? I thought we were going to town to get me an ice cream sandwich. Screw this, I'm out.
Friday July 3rd 2009, 12:00pm
Mr. Christ goes to Washington.
Judas: Jesus, I've got a letter from the IRS here.
Jesus: Is it for you?
Judas: No, it's not for me.
Jesus: Maybe it could be.
Judas: It isn't. It's for you.
Jesus: Is it a letter congratulating me for staying well above board?
Judas: No.
Jesus: Is it a cheque recouping me for accidental over-payment?
Judas: Definitely not.
Jesus: Is it a final demand for back taxes I have yet to pay?
Judas: Yeah. Yeah, it is, Jesus.
Jesus: ...
Judas: How can this happen? Half of your disciples are tax collectors or accountants. We could have helped you!
Jesus: I make a lot of... I'm not sure how to put this in a way that doesn't sound bad... shady business deals.
Judas: How does that "not sound bad"?
Jesus: ...
Judas: ...
Jesus: Hey Judas, I need to borrow some money.
Friday July 3rd 2009, 11:31am
Thursday July 2nd 2009, 3:00pm
Thursday July 2nd 2009, 12:49pm
In 2006 I went away to film school fully expecting to pop out of it again three years later as the most visionary writer/director of my generation. Dream big, kids. I left three weeks later, in part because of some assigned reading that very closely resembled endnote 24, only longer, and with that gross shiny-textbook smell.
So I would like to extend my thanks to David Foster Wallace for making me relive that experience, albeit shorter and in the comfort of my own home, as opposed to hunched over a library table desperately trying to read as fast as possible so I can do my essay/s. I was there three weeks — how did I get behind on so many essays? And why were there essays in a supposedly practice-based course? And why am I still bitter about this?
Thursday July 2nd 2009, 11:53am
STAGE DIRECTIONS
Judas: Hey, Jesus. What the hell do you call this?
Jesus: I don't know what you're talking about.
Judas: I don't have time for your games, Jesus. Do you know why? Because somebody drew a penis on my face.
Jesus (laughing): That's a... that's a damn shame, Judas.
Judas: No, no it isn't. What's a damn shame is the fact that I did not realize there was a penis on my face until after I was done delivering food to the hungry in Bethlehem. People who were surprisingly giggly, given the starvation.
Jesus: Honestly, Judas, it wasn't me.
Judas: Fine. Fine. What were you guys doing while I was out?
Jesus: Practicing drawing penises.
JESUS AND PETER HIGH-FIVE.
Thursday July 2nd 2009, 10:08am
This is where he got the "parable of the shiftless immigrant".
Judas: Jesus, I'm getting a lot of calls about this Lazarus thing.
Jesus: What Lazarus thing?
Judas: I guess yesterday when you were in Bethany you brought a guy back to life?
Jesus: Oh, right. Yeah. Shit.
Judas: What?
Jesus: Nothing. Shit.
Judas: Anyway, it turns out that quite a lot of people *don't want to die*. The switchboard is pretty jammed.
Jesus: I have to be honest with you, Judas -- that wasn't me. I wasn't even *in* Bethany yesterday.
Judas: I'm gonna regret asking you this, but where were you if you weren't in Betha-
Jesus: -Reno. I went to Reno.
Judas: So the guy who brought Lazarus back?
Jesus: My friend Jesús. He's Mexican. This shouldn't have happened -- I gave him the rules. a) No miracles. b) If you have to do a miracle, don't do a big one. And c) there's no crying in baseball.
Judas: You're making jokes about baseball is what you're doing now?
Jesus: Man, this is kind of going to make it less impressive when I come back from the dead. It was meant to be a surprise.
Judas: Well, there's nothing to be done about it now. Call it a lesson.
Jesus: Lesson learned -- Mexicans don't follow the rules.
Judas: That's not the lesson.
Jesus: It's kind of the lesson.
Judas: Trust me, it isn't.
Wednesday July 1st 2009, 8:36pm
Lop off a thumb and he just goes and buys some bread.
Jesus: Hey, Judas. I want to apologize. For everything. Let’s be friends.
Judas: R-really? Of course, Jesus!
Jesus: In fact, let’s be better than friends. Let’s be blood brothers.
Judas: O…okay.
Jesus: Although, I am a little worried about losing a lot of blood.
Judas: Well, yeah, I mean-
Jesus: I should probably stock up on blood, is what I mean.
Judas: I see where this is going.
Jesus: And since my blood is wine, maybe you should go buy me so-
Judas: -NO I WILL NOT BUY YOU WINE, JESUS.
Jesus: …
Judas: …
Jesus: You know I was just saying we were friends to get you to buy me wine, right?
Judas: I hate you. So. Much.
Wednesday July 1st 2009, 3:15pm
Infiltrating the Nazis.
I walked down the hallway at a brisk pace. Not to kvetch, but they really do make these corridors far too long. It does not help with the generally oppressive air this place seems to have to it.
I saw the exit up ahead, but there was a guard in my way. I had to get past him without letting him know why I was leaving. I could not tell him how disgusted — borderline verklempt — that meeting had made me. He could not know how thoroughly I disagreed with the Nazi ideals. How much I hated Adolf Hitler. How I was a spy for the other side.
I had to come up with some other reason for my sudden exit from the building.
“Hello sir. If you would just let me through — it is Friday, and I must be home before dusk.”
Oh no.
“For SHABBAT.”
