January 2009
24 posts
Vlad: Hey Mark, is there any reason why your cubicle is covered in crucifixes?
Mark: Oh, I'm Catholic.
Vlad: And the garlic?
Mark: French Catholic.
Vlad: And the Holy Water you keep spritzing on your neck?
Mark: Othodox French Catholic?
Vlad: I don't think they do that.
Mark: I think they do. We do.
Vlad: So it's nothing to do with my rampant vampirism?
Mark: Of course not.
Vlad: Especially since that stuff doesn't work.
Mark. Right. Really? Wow. Huh.
Vlad: Yeah. Hey, you should call your family and tell them you love them.
Mark: Why?
Vlad: No reason.
#7things
Abby tagged me for this months ago, and Steelopus tagged me yesterday. Some days, I’m not very good at coming up with a framing device for the jokes I want to tell, and past posts indicate that I’m fully in support of memes, so here goes.
I have twenty-eight shark-like rows of razor sharp teeth. I say shark-like because I actually procured them from a bunch of seal cubs that...
Unacceptable.
It’s always a terrible burden to write a eulogy. Even more so when it’s your best friend. More so still when he borrowed your favourite pen before he died and you have to use a crappy biro for the first draft because apparently it’s “insensitive” to ask for your pen back from a grieving family.
I’ll always remember the time I spent with Ted, except for stuff...
Why I will no longer rent to centaurs.
My other tenants complained of excessive noise at all hours of the night—galloping was often described, Eowin—and I am told that when they voiced these complaints to yourself they were met with booming declarations of nobility and “blue blood”. This is not acceptable.
After spending large amounts of money to provide an elevator for you given your many problems with...
Your Honor
I have chosen to represent myself as a lawyer in this case, even though I am not one. I believe this is in the spirit of the trial, since I am being sued for representing myself as a doctor even though I am not one.
I’ve spoken to the prosecution and plaintiff, and they both seem equally happy with this. Perhaps because they believe I will do a poor job, or perhaps because they are also...
Rejected ReBorn product testimonial #76.
I’d always wanted a child of my own, and that need became more urgent when the State told me to stay away from everyone else’s kids. When Eleanor (I named her after my pet cockatiel, who I named after myself) arrived, I was extremely distressed to see that they had packaged her in a box of all things. I guessed she had had a rough trip as there was a small scratch on her forehead. I...
"Can I call you Hugh?"
Dear Mr. Jackman,
I’m a really big Wolverine fan, and I’m really excited to see the movie this summer. I’m totally not asking for an advanced preview or anything, although I do have 9th stage Grissom’s Syndrome and don’t have long left so seeing the film would kind of be my dying wish. But enough about me.
I’ve been kind enough to spend my (disease-ridden,...