November 2009
26 posts
How Thanksgiving works, as pieced together by a...
Thanksgiving is an American holiday that takes place on the fourth Thursday of Sweeps month. Americans celebrate this holiday by traveling great distances to reunite with family members. A typical American will have an intense disagreement with those family members based on a semi-disturbing secret that is revealed over the course of the meal, but — by holiday’s end — all will be...
1 tag
1 tag
Oh Joel McHale
Oh Joel McHale,
what’s it like to be so smug?
What’s it like to feel self-confidence radiate
from you handsome mug?
What’s it like to stand, or sit
and wax
lyrical about all kinds of shit?
Oh Joel McHale,
when you got a second TV show,
did you celebrate? Or
just do that cocky forehead raise? You know,
that one with crazy eyes
that shine
whilst your eyebrows rise.
...
We don't lie to Google. Period.
“Hey Dad?”
“What’s up, little Google?”
“What happened to Scruffy, our dog?”
“Oh, well, he caught rabies and so I took him out back and shot him. Shot him right between the eyes. Or tried to, anyway. He flinched at first, and I nicked his cheek. Have you ever seen a dog try to bark with a five-inch hole in his jaw?”
“No. Zero...
Statistics.
50% of ice cream truck drivers in my town have a best friend named Ralph.
100% of those ice cream truck drivers in my town are sick of Ralph asking them for free ice cream.
10% of an ice cream truck driver’s salary can legally be deducted to make up for mysterious stock losses.
This summer has been 14% colder than average.
This summer has, as a result, seen a 23% loss in ice cream...
People say that microwave ovens are safe, and that...
Thank God bears can’t use guns.
I can't believe they rejected my submission to...
Man, on sidewalk: Taxi!
We all miss those halcyon days when we'd sit...
Dear City Planner,
I’m writing to you because I have recently become distressed as to the slope of my roof. What if I want to store things up there? Where am I meant to keep my snakes?
Yours,
Mike Fall
Dear Mr. Fall,
You appear to be very confused about what a city planner does. We had nothing to do with your roof — that would be the responsibility of your architect or project manager. They...
Anyway. A joke. Sort of.
So this idealist is talking to his relativist friend, and the idealist says
“I hope for the best of all possible worlds.”
And the relativist turns to him and replies
“Best compared to what?”
And then the idealist punches the relativist in the mouth for being a fence-sitting jerk.