January 2010
17 posts
1 tag
Actual line used by a dude who was attempting to...
“You look like the sort of person who plays Dungeons&Dragons!”
December 2009
17 posts
Super-powered crime.
So last night I had a dream where I had cool ice powers and teamed up with Spider-Man to rob a bank, but then my powers started going away and Spider-Man said the same thing happened to him and he made a deal with the devil to keep his powers and told me I should too but I didn’t want to go to hell but it was really cool freezing people with my ice powers and then my powers came back because...
Dear Prudence,
Someone I know has been giving out terrible — just terrible — advice to people. For some reason she has no shortage of strangers asking her for help, despite her borderline-sociopathic response to most of the questions. How do I tell her that she’s actively hurting the world at large with her ill-thought-out columns?
Yours Faithfully,
It’s you, Prudence. You suck at your job.
A Very Batman Christmas.
“Batman, where have you been? The orphans have been waiting for you to visit them and give them presents!”
“I’ve been… there was… Joker kidnapped the… just… just give me a second to catch my breath.”
“No time, Batman — you must dance for the orphans!”
“What? No, I… I was just going to give them presents....
On writing.
I’ve had the words “Steve Buscemi santa” sitting in my notebook for a week now. I know that when I wrote them down as I was going to sleep I knew exactly what they meant, but now they seem insane.
What was I planning on doing with this amazing concept? Writing a short little piece where a kid gets freaked out because his santa looks like, or is, Steve Buscemi? Obviously, that...
Ten Comedy Phrases We Should Retire In 2010.
Well, break my cracker!
Let’s wrassle?
Quoit!
Who sent me!?
These shoes were new…
Okay, I can tell you. But only in French.
Bazinga.
Say it again, but sexually.
Oof! Right in the baby-chomper!
TMI — Too Much Indignation!
(With apologies to Dan Schneider.)
1 tag
Superman's Christmas 'to-do' list.
Ask Batman if he thinks Santa Claus has the power to bring back dead parents this year.
Ask Aquaman if he thinks Santa Claus could ever be bothered to get scuba gear for the reindeer so he could give the King of the Sea those Spongebob DVDs he’s been asking for.
Ask Wonder Woman if she’s letting men like Santa Claus on Themyscira yet. Then ask if she letting men like Superman into...
The Riddle.
As I stood before the Sphinx and demanded to know the secret meaning of life, he stared me down and said he would tell me, if only I could answer a simple riddle:
“Which bank is the easiest to steal from?”
I didn’t know. And so I left the Sphinx, telling him I would one day return. I arrived home and immediately studied great heists, skilled robbers, and talented thieves. I...
Smoke and mirrors.
I sure was freaked out when that magician made the Statue of Liberty disappear. I wasn’t even in New York — saw the whole thing on TV — but I called my buddy in the City as soon as I could.
“You must be pretty worried, huh?”
“What? Why?”
“The Statue’s gone. Lady Liberty.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
I called a whole...
1337 cartoons.
He-Man and the Webmasters of the Universe.
Thundercat5 Cable.
She-RAM, Princess of Powerbook.
Where In The World Wide Web Is Carmen Sandiego?
Rocko’s Modem Life.
Why do magic?
I got into magic because I love to entertain, and because art therapy was overbooked. But there are dozens of other reasons to enter the wonderful world of wands.
Maybe you’re a closet cosplayer, and you need a slightly-more-acceptable reason for buying a cape. Maybe your weird “child molester” vibe has prevented you from gaining any other type of employment. Maybe you’re...
Ghostbusters... IN THE CENTER OF THE EARTH!
Venkman: Where are all the ghosts?
Spengler: There are no ghosts. We're in the center of the Earth.
Stantz: I think I'm on fire.
Venkman: Why do we keep doing this?
@ wit's end?
merlin:
Just tossing this out, gang.
As a pilot program? Try not reading Twitter @ responses from people you don’t follow.
Just try it.
I would do that, except I get a nice kick out of the good @replies I get. I write jokes because I like making myself laugh, and I making other people laugh. @replies are a good, usually non-offensive way of finding out if I’m getting that second...
1 tag
