June 2009
19 posts
John Connor, after saving the human race from...
John sits at the table, waiting. His eyes are scanning every exit, a reflex he can’t get rid of. She walks in. Angels don’t descend.
The machines always tend to look perfect. The only way to be even close to sure is to pick an uggo. That’s one of John’s rules. You might have read that on John’s blog. He has over a dozen readers.
“Hi, I’m...
1 tag
Infiltrating the Liberals.
We were volunteering at a local homeless shelter. Obviously a front for ACORN or some other brain-washing organization. I wouldn’t have taken the time off of work, but I’d freed up some hours by going Galt.
I was ladling soup into bowls, and talking to the vagrants.
“How come you’re homeless? Obama?”
They seemed to mostly get angry when I mentioned Hussein, with...
PROPOSAL: THE FIRST NIHILIST IPHONE APP.
Horizon One™. When you first run it, it won’t even open. The icon will pulse and move — seeming, almost, to grow — before becoming still, cold, and dead. The color will fade from it — a condition that will spread to other icons nearby. Sometimes you will imagine it winking at you, at others you will forget you ever bought the application at all. At yet other times, you will...
1 tag
Euluigi.
It’s hard to believe that he’s gone. I keep expecting him to burst through that door any minute. “It’s a-me!” All smiles, and mildy offensive racial caricatures.
The worst part of this is that it was so senseless. Almost thirty years spent fighting dinosaurs, and he’s taken out by a leaky faucet? He always said the Mushroom Kingdom would be the death of him....
1 tag
Infiltrating the hippies.
Nixon had had enough of the protests, and so I was sent in to get the peaceniks riled up. Get them to do something illegal. It would take finesse, and guile, and subtlety. I had to wait for the perfect moment. Too soon and I’d blow my cover, too late and I’d miss the planning stage of the meeting — become just another straggler with a half-formed idea.
Jules, the group leader,...
PROPOSAL: "THE SHINS -- THE CARTOON SERIES"
Possible titles: The Real Shins, Shins EXTREME, and Shins vs. Transformers.
Plot: The 5 Shins (who could be, but probably aren’t, dressed as shins) fight the crimes of loneliness and despair with their poignant, wistful lyrics; melancholy melodies; and kicks to the throat.
They are initially based in Detroit (or perhaps Cleveland, or some sort of imaginary land populated with amputee...
1 tag
Two Gentlemen Bump Into One Another.
Mario: Ow!
Goomba: Ouch!
Mario: Sorry about that, I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
Goomba: Actually, I kind of did that on purpose.
Mario: Really?
Goomba: Oh, yeah. It was meant to kill you. I'm kind of surprised you're not dead right now, actually.
Mario: Kill me? Just by bumping into me?
Goomba: It's worked before.
Mario: I'm not entirely sure how. I mean, are you poisonous or anything?
Goomba: I don't think so. Do I look poisonous?
Mario: I think a poisonous animal is usually yellow and black, or red. And you're just kind of-
Goomba: -brown, yeah. Well. Like I said, I'm really meant to kill you.
Mario: Oh. Well, do you want to try bumping into me again?
Goomba: Seems kind of pointless given that it didn't work the first time. Maybe I could stab you?
Mario: Do you have a knife?
Goomba: To be honest, I don't even have *hands*.
Mario: Wow. You are *not* cut out for this job.
Goomba: Tell me about it. No attack power, no speed, no wings, and my head is really squishy, too.
Mario: Oh, it is?
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Dear Princess.
It’s a-me, Mario! Or Luigi. Who cares, as long as you’re getting rescued, right? LOL.
I have to cut to the chase here: I can’t do this anymore. You’re going to have to find someone else to rescue your stupid ass. I’m sorry, but the hassles of this job are just too much for me to handle anymore.
I mean, let’s start with the relentless killing. The unending,...
Batman loves you.
Alfred strolled up with that look in his eye that he gets when he’s being a dick. That’s right, Alfred, I said it. What are you gonna do about it?
“I was wondering if Sir would be partaking in a light nap anytime soon. Like now. Now would be good.”
“What? Why?”
“Because you’re not wearing pants. Or a shirt. Or underwear. You need to rest,...