July 2009
43 posts
A short summary of the many impressions that...
Snake (lying down)
A great impression for parties, weddings, and crime scenes. Includes paramedic to make sure the impression isn’t going too well (i.e. Stuart has stopped breathing).
Snake (standing up)
How is the snake standing up, you ask? Forget that, how is Stuart standing up? Talk about a medical miracle! Also a scaffolding miracle! Scaffolding not included. Please provide your...
Adapted from events.
“Congratulations. You’ve scored a perfect on the aptitude test. We’ve never seen that before. We’re all dumb here. So dumb that we think ‘scored a perfect’ is an acceptable phrase.”
“What does that mean? What do I do now?”
“Is your arm itchy?”
“No. Why?”
“If it was itchy, you could scratch it.”
...
"Ten Cent Deposit" -- the Indie Hit of 2010.
Four friends (Abigail Breslin, Abigail Breslin, Abigail Breslin, and any cast member from The Office) are close to graduating high school, and decide to take one last road trip together before parting ways for college/the military/military college/being laid off in Detroit. Hank wants to see his Grandmother, who lives in New York, and so they take Loius’s parent’s uncle’s beat-up...
1 tag
If you want the rest you'll have to pay for it....
I come here as a representative of the spider-creatures who have taken over our planet. Partly because I share their values, and partly because they have taken my family.
They have few demands, which I present to you in octuplicate, because I made the mistake of giving them a box of pens to write with and they ended up putting one in each claw. You just try telling those spiders what to do...
It turns out we've been there before.
Dear Sir/Madam
I trust that you enjoyed the pre-launch dinner on Tuesday. We spared no expense, and we really think that was reflected in the quality of the food—with the exception of the codfish that, in hindsight, should have been cooked.
I remind you of this lavish event, I must confess, with an ulterior motive—buttering you up. This letter brings news that may distress you, although...
You need to improve your goods and/or services and...
Hey, local library — great job. The experience of browsing your shelves, choosing a book and taking it home with me is enjoyable and easy. Such a shame that it must be soured by the fact that I have to — for some arbitrary and presumably obscure fiat — bring it back.
I get your concept: free books! Who doesn’t love that idea? But how can I own something if you won’t...
What went wrong with the barn raising?
In times like this it’s best to do a post-mortem, and not necessarily on Johnny Truegood — who died in the terrible collapse of our newest barn — but on the whole process of the barn-raising itself.
That said, we should probably still do a post-mortem on Johnny. I should get someone to check on that.
So what went wrong? Well, obviously there was a fundamental flaw in the...
PETA meeting, July 5th -- transcript.
I’d like to call this meeting to order, and first I would like t- will someone shut that parakeet up, please?
That was a test. Anyone who went to shut up the parakeet should kindly leave the hall because you hate animals. No argument. You hate animals.
Okay, everyone remaining — we have some new targets this week. I’ve been thinking hard about McDonalds, and I’m...
Congratulations on your new job at the water...
To start you off, here are a few rules, because sometimes people misbehave. And also because I get off on power. For all you know, I am touching myself in the corner whilst you read all these rules. But please do not turn around and look at me, or I will not be able to finish.
Hey, that’s a rule!
Rule 1 — Do not pee into the water distillery. We need to keep our water clean and...
1 tag
Infiltrating the Nazis.
I walked down the hallway at a brisk pace. Not to kvetch, but they really do make these corridors far too long. It does not help with the generally oppressive air this place seems to have to it.
I saw the exit up ahead, but there was a guard in my way. I had to get past him without letting him know why I was leaving. I could not tell him how disgusted — borderline verklempt — that...
If these walls could talk.
“Hey! You’ve been gone a while! Not that I minded, not that I was waiting, not that I had no idea even of where you were of how long you’d be… But you’re back now! So what’s up?
“Hey I noticed you copied over E! True Hollywood Stories on the TiVo. Must have been a mistake, right? I mean, I recorded them special. It’s okay. You can just buy me the...