August 2009
39 posts
Message from the future.
I am the foreman of my own life. Kind of a bad foreman, though, to be honest. I mean — the job’ll get done, but the paintwork won’t really be up to scratch, and someone *will* die during construction. And then you’ll get a divorce, say.
I am the captain of my own vessel. Unfortunately that vessel closely resembles the Titanic. Personally, I think it’s something of a...
The Comedy Central Roast of Twitter - Opening...
Thank you for all coming to my roast, and uh… I can see you all in the audience, so this will be just about the only two and a half hours where I *won’t* need to ask you what you’re doing. I just wanted to start with a little direct message from me to you. Thank you. For sticking with me, through the downtime; and the web-cocks; and the downtime; and the retweeters; and the...
Dean Morting's Good Habits -- "Children"
A good habit when it comes to childrearing is to forget the word “childrearing”. It leads you to believe you should always be bringing up the rear, and this is a bad idea because children are poor navigators.
Children are even worse at handling this ugly truth. Their reaction will be to cry when you tell them it is their fault that we’re lost, and now we’re never going to...
WIN A TRIP IN OUR BLIMP
Please. Come and win a trip in our blimp. All you have to do is turn up and express an interest in riding in our blimp.
You would not believe how rare such an interest apparently is. It’s so rare that I wish I could bottle that interest and sell it rather than work in the blimp industry. Where I am making, like, zero dollars.
Let me tell you a little about our blimp. It is an extremely...
Acknowledgements.
My grandmother always wanted me to write a best-selling non-fiction work, so in many ways this book is for her. Because it isn’t one. I hated my grandmother is what I’m saying.
No acknowledgements section is complete without the praise that must be God’s. Thank you, Oh Heavenly Father, for choosing not to smite me. And also for existing / not existing (use your favorite pen to...
Hey, Sarah Palin. As someone who comes from a...
Will Obama’s “death squad” euthanize my baby?
Nope. Everyone gets health care, reagrdless of how sick they are.
Will people come to my grandma’s house and put her to death?
Nope. Everyone gets health care, regardless of how old they are.
Will people who voted Democrat get priority over people who voted Republican?
Nope. Everyone gets health care, regardless of...
Why limit yourself?
Fuck limits. That’s my motto. ‘No’ to limits. Why limit yourself? Be a free animal, not a caged animal. Unless you like cages. In which case — why limit yourself to just cages? How about cells, or labyrinths? See how amazing things get when you don’t limit yourself?
Why limit yourself to just one beer a day? You could drink two, probably. Hell — try...
From "The Fourth Side of the Triangle", my douchey...
I did some googling recently and it turns out that the Butterfly Gardens are a real place, and not a nightmarish hell-hole I’d conjured up during some type of fever, or acid trip. If that’s what the kids are doing these days.
I’ve been to the Butterfly Gardens twice, which is already once more than anyone would ever want to go. Factor in the fact that I am deathly afraid of...
Six-Word Slogans for my Real Doll Business.
Baby shoes? Never necessary. Can’t impregnate.
Unique wedding? Try a plastic bride!
Mom won’t realize — she’s gone senile.
Won’t do dishes, but dishwasher safe.
Real perky! But careful — real melty.
Feel alone no more! Well, sorta.
Car pool lane — eat my dust!