January 2010
17 posts
Bible jokes!
Joseph of Arimathea? I barely know ‘er!
Moses didn’t swear, he Leviti-cussed.
Porn Parables: “John the Baptits,” “Jesus Fists the 5,000,” “The Raising of Lazarus’s Dick.”
An argument for the existence of God.
“See this watch? It’s a Rolex, an exquisite piece of technology. Endless complication, hidden behind a veneer of elegance. Dozens of cogs and springs working in harmony, with a polished silver finish that makes checking the time an aesthetic experience.”
“Oh, okay. So you’re telling me that the watch couldn’t have just spontaneously appeared because it’s...
Truman to world: "Yeah, I fucked up."
Truman Burbank, former star of “The Truman Show”, today announced his desire to return to the television program that served as his home for over thirty years.
“It’s really hard out here, guys,” Burbank explained. “I’m constantly harassed, utterly lonely, and completely unable to find a job.”
When a reporter for the LA Times remarked that Mr....
I should have a show like "Mythbusters" where I...
Think showers are great? Think again. Have you ever de-scaled a kettle? Then why would you stand under a hot shower every day and risk getting that shit on your face?
Al Gore would have you believe that cars are bad for the environment. Oh yeah? Well, what’s worse, Mr. Gore — me driving, or me causing untold damage to my neighborhood during the fits of rage I get when I’m...
Roomate wanted: non-smoker aged 25-40 preferred....
Dear Puff,
It is time for you to move out. Don’t get me wrong — when we first started living together, things were magic. You were magic. But you changed. A lot of things changed.
For instance — sealing wax. This seems like a good time to tell you that, dude, they don’t make that shit anymore. We came up with better ways of dealing with envelopes around the same time we...
There was a woman on the television recently who...
She said that clashing patterns would be big this year. The money quote, for me, was “spots mixed with stripes are going to get you a lot of attention.”
You know what? She was right. I did get a lot of attention. Mainly from an assistant at H&M who yelled at me for “for not understanding the principles of general taste” and “hurting her eyes” and...
A conversation about the conversation.
“…and of course, it totally plays into the Republican party’s whole ‘welfare state’ narrative.”
“Hey, can I ask you something?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you stop using that word? ‘Narrative’? Can you stop — for the love of god — stop using that word? Because you’re hurting the conversation. It is not an...
"Google’s declaration that it would stop...
At some point during the turn of the century, we slipped into the Onion-verse, where newspapers can print sentences like the one above and not even be kidding.
I fully expect to head over to the Times tomorrow and read “North Korean propaganda department is ‘pinnacle of human achievement,’ announces North Korean propaganda department.”
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I am a time traveler.
I am due to arrive at the office every day at nine o’clock on the dot, so I usually get up around ten or ten-thirty.
My initial interview was conducted by a much older version of myself, which was wonderfully reassuring.
I have a cubicle just like you (although mine is much bigger on the inside.) After scouring the future, we have secured the best photocopier mankind will ever create,...
