Thursday the 3rd of September, 2009  

One rule to a flat stomach — OBEY.

Also, cut down on fatty foods. Maybe eat some vegetables once in a while, instead of a candy bar or something. So really, it’s two rules — OBEY and the ‘better eating’ thing.

Oh! Shoot! Try and eat on some kind of schedule, too. I mean, not just whenever you’re bored, or something. You need to see food as this kind of luxury, not something that goes with every single activity you undertake. So we’re up to three rules, I guess. Crap. This is kind of ruining the punchiness of my advertis—

Aaaaaand I’ve just remembered another thing! You should make sure to stop eating once you’re full. I mean, it’s okay to waste a little food now and then, and I guess you can learn to prepare smaller meals? If I’m honest, I’m gonna fold this rule into that “eat on a schedule” rule we just discussed, just to cut down on the total number of rules. I mean, we’ve already blown past that “one simple rule” thing, but I see no reason why we can’t still try and rein ourselves in, right?

Especially since I just remembered another rule — you should totally exercise. To like, burn off energy and fat. Makes sense, right? Apparently not, fatty. Ha ha, I’m just kidding — I get kind of defensive and mean when I realize that my stupid ads don’t make sense once you think about them for a few seconds.

Now that I do think about it, I guess I ought to remind you to cut down on your alcohol intake, too. I mean that stuff’ll make you balloon up faster than anything. Except maybe lard. Don’t eat pure lard.

Man, we’ve got a lot of rules here, huh?

Oh — one final thing. The most important rule: definitely make sure that you use pictures of two entirely different people or your ‘before’ and ‘after’ photos. That’s like… ninety percent of the diet right there.

God, my whole life is a lie.