Friday the 29th of January, 2010  

Truman to world: “Yeah, I fucked up.”

Truman Burbank, former star of “The Truman Show”, today announced his desire to return to the television program that served as his home for over thirty years.

“It’s really hard out here, guys,” Burbank explained. “I’m constantly harassed, utterly lonely, and completely unable to find a job.”

When a reporter for the LA Times remarked that Mr. Burbank had — during his tenure on the highly popular show — maintained a successful career as an insurance salesman, he replied “Oh, you mean that fake job that it turns out I wasn’t very good at? I tried out for a bunch of positions with some top firms, but I guess selling insurance is actually about more than saying ‘congratulations, you’re insured!’ to an extra who’s been scripted to hand you a big stack of cash and say ‘thanks-a-diddly!’

“And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg,” he further clarified. “I’ve had to move out of the motel I was staying at because it turns out the owner was charging people to look through a hole in the wall and watch me sleep.

“I’d have been flattered, but they kept saying I was ‘boring now’, and asking for their money back. Loudly.”

Asked about the possibility of finding accommodation with Sylvia, the former “Truman” extra he escaped to find, Burbank laughed dismissively.

“Are you nuts? That chick turned out to be serious stalker material. And don’t think I haven’t tried my luck with other women. But it seems like every girl in America knows about my whole crying-during-orgasm thing. Apparently those episodes are collected on a DVD compilation. I don’t know what it’s called, but I can only assume it’s something like ‘Truman’s Romance Kryptonite.’

“Let’s get down to brass tacks,” he concluded. “My life was actually pretty awesome. It was sunny every day, that broad who played my wife was pretty hot, and people tolerated my stupid 1950s-speak. I want to go back.”

A statement from Christof, the show’s enigmatic director, confirmed that “The Truman Show” would remain on permanent hiatus, and that Burbank should “go fuck a bear trap.”

Truman reportedly plans to “try my luck with this cool mask I found.”