Monday the 29th of December, 2008  

Brant Charles’s Commencement Speech To MIT.

I’m Brant Charles, and 14 years ago I was just like you. Now I’m a meta-physicist.

Being a meta-physicist is awesome and it isn’t even hard. Newton discovered gravity whilst lounging under a tree. Einstein came up with most of his theories by daydreaming. Stephen Hawking just sits in a chair all day.

And the stuff we do is fun, too. Galileo? Dropping the feather and the cannonball? Shit, man - I could do that stuff all day. And we get to play the coolest pranks. That Hadron Collider thing? Not even real. You would not believe how awesome it feels to make everyone on the entire planet shit themselves because they think you’re building a black hole machine.

Guess what? We have time machines. And they’re better than you’d believe by about 50 better-points, which are a unit of measurement we haven’t even told you about. Just yesterday? I played virtual reality ping-pong on Jupiter. You guys think it’s cool to go to the moon? Wait until you visit an alien culture whose customary greeting to guests is to give them a basket of gold coins and a jetpack.

I’m meant to teach you guys some kind of life-lesson before I go. Screw that. I’m gonna teach you the life-lesson. As in the meaning of it. Be careful. This is dangerous territory. Your head might explode or your face might melt or I don’t know I’m not some stupid biologist, okay? So there are these things called string- no. Too late. I can see the blood dripping out of your ears. Well, no big deal. There’s an asteroid headed this way in a couple of years and we’re kind of don’t have any tickets left for the shuttle outta here. They all went to the super-models, if you know what I’m saying.

Well, good luck in your new liquified-brain, doomed-Earth lives. Oh, and one last note? This entire speech is a palindrome.