AveryEdison.com

Palin's reasons for leaving office early (as best I can discern from her speech).

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 18:40:27 -0400

Her administration has massive accomplishments.
She privatized dairy, you guys!
The press don’t talk about the good stuff she’s doing :( :(
She has had to fight (and win!) a bunch of “frivolous” ethics lawsuits. Now that they’re all gone, it’s time to leave office so government money isn’t spent fighting them. Something something great state of Alaska.
She wants to fight for her country. Just not in any official capacity. Because who needs that, right?
It is a waste of money and time to keep her in office.
She will not run for re-election, and does not want to be a lame-duck governor. So she’ll just leave office so that can’t happen.
She is good at basketball. Point guard. Something something winning.
This isn’t politics as usual (governors usually complete their terms.)
People keep mocking Trig.
The world needs more children with Down Syndrome.
We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction. Away.
We are looking to the future! In New Hampshire and Iowa!

Luke 8:40-49

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 14:32:31 -0400

Jesus: Ew, someone just touched me.
Peter: Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.
Jesus: No, seriously, someone just touched me and it's gross.
Judas: Who cares, Jesus?
Matthew: It was her! The unclean woman at the back!
Woman: I'm sorry, I have been bleeding for twelve years. I just wanted it to stop.
Jesus: Oh that is *gross*. Peter, switch loincloths with me, mine has period-woman cooties now.
Judas: It's really not a big deal, Jesus.
Jesus: Look, Judas, I know gay guys like you don't know anything about women, but what goes on down there is disgusting. It is *disgusting*.
Judas: I really feel like you're over-reacting to what is just simple biology.
Jesus: So's your Mom.
Judas: ...Whatever. Come on, we've got to hurry to Jairus's house and heal his daughter.
Jesus: We have to do *what*, now? I thought we were going to town to get me an ice cream sandwich. Screw this, I'm out.

Mr. Christ goes to Washington.

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 12:00:54 -0400

Judas: Jesus, I've got a letter from the IRS here.
Jesus: Is it for you?
Judas: No, it's not for me.
Jesus: Maybe it could be.
Judas: It isn't. It's for you.
Jesus: Is it a letter congratulating me for staying well above board?
Judas: No.
Jesus: Is it a cheque recouping me for accidental over-payment?
Judas: Definitely not.
Jesus: Is it a final demand for back taxes I have yet to pay?
Judas: Yeah. Yeah, it is, Jesus.
Jesus: ...
Judas: How can this happen? Half of your disciples are tax collectors or accountants. We could have helped you!
Jesus: I make a lot of... I'm not sure how to put this in a way that doesn't sound bad... shady business deals.
Judas: How does that "not sound bad"?
Jesus: ...
Judas: ...
Jesus: Hey Judas, I need to borrow some money.

Photo

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 11:31:07 -0400

Photo

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 15:00:00 -0400

"In 2006 I went away to film school fully expecting to pop out of it again three years later as the..."

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:49:51 -0400

“

In 2006 I went away to film school fully expecting to pop out of it again three years later as the most visionary writer/director of my generation. Dream big, kids. I left three weeks later, in part because of some assigned reading that very closely resembled endnote 24, only longer, and with that gross shiny-textbook smell.

So I would like to extend my thanks to David Foster Wallace for making me relive that experience, albeit shorter and in the comfort of my own home, as opposed to hunched over a library table desperately trying to read as fast as possible so I can do my essay/s. I was there three weeks — how did I get behind on so many essays? And why were there essays in a supposedly practice-based course? And why am I still bitter about this?

”

- My latest post on Infinite Summer.

STAGE DIRECTIONS

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 11:53:00 -0400

Judas: Hey, Jesus. What the hell do you call this?
Jesus: I don't know what you're talking about.
Judas: I don't have time for your games, Jesus. Do you know why? Because somebody drew a penis on my face.
Jesus (laughing): That's a... that's a damn shame, Judas.
Judas: No, no it isn't. What's a damn shame is the fact that I did not realize there was a penis on my face until after I was done delivering food to the hungry in Bethlehem. People who were surprisingly giggly, given the starvation.
Jesus: Honestly, Judas, it wasn't me.
Judas: Fine. Fine. What were you guys doing while I was out?
Jesus: Practicing drawing penises.
JESUS AND PETER HIGH-FIVE.

This is where he got the "parable of the shiftless immigrant".

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 10:08:28 -0400

Judas: Jesus, I'm getting a lot of calls about this Lazarus thing.
Jesus: What Lazarus thing?
Judas: I guess yesterday when you were in Bethany you brought a guy back to life?
Jesus: Oh, right. Yeah. Shit.
Judas: What?
Jesus: Nothing. Shit.
Judas: Anyway, it turns out that quite a lot of people *don't want to die*. The switchboard is pretty jammed.
Jesus: I have to be honest with you, Judas -- that wasn't me. I wasn't even *in* Bethany yesterday.
Judas: I'm gonna regret asking you this, but where were you if you weren't in Betha-
Jesus: -Reno. I went to Reno.
Judas: So the guy who brought Lazarus back?
Jesus: My friend Jesús. He's Mexican. This shouldn't have happened -- I gave him the rules. a) No miracles. b) If you have to do a miracle, don't do a big one. And c) there's no crying in baseball.
Judas: You're making jokes about baseball is what you're doing now?
Jesus: Man, this is kind of going to make it less impressive when I come back from the dead. It was meant to be a surprise.
Judas: Well, there's nothing to be done about it now. Call it a lesson.
Jesus: Lesson learned -- Mexicans don't follow the rules.
Judas: That's not the lesson.
Jesus: It's kind of the lesson.
Judas: Trust me, it isn't.

Lop off a thumb and he just goes and buys some bread.

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 20:36:00 -0400

Jesus: Hey, Judas. I want to apologize. For everything. Let’s be friends.
Judas: R-really? Of course, Jesus!
Jesus: In fact, let’s be better than friends. Let’s be blood brothers.
Judas: O…okay.
Jesus: Although, I am a little worried about losing a lot of blood.
Judas: Well, yeah, I mean-
Jesus: I should probably stock up on blood, is what I mean.
Judas: I see where this is going.
Jesus: And since my blood is wine, maybe you should go buy me so-
Judas: -NO I WILL NOT BUY YOU WINE, JESUS.
Jesus: …
Judas: …
Jesus: You know I was just saying we were friends to get you to buy me wine, right?
Judas: I hate you. So. Much.

Infiltrating the Nazis.

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 15:15:00 -0400

I walked down the hallway at a brisk pace. Not to kvetch, but they really do make these corridors far too long. It does not help with the generally oppressive air this place seems to have to it.

I saw the exit up ahead, but there was a guard in my way. I had to get past him without letting him know why I was leaving. I could not tell him how disgusted — borderline verklempt — that meeting had made me. He could not know how thoroughly I disagreed with the Nazi ideals. How much I hated Adolf Hitler. How I was a spy for the other side.

I had to come up with some other reason for my sudden exit from the building.

“Hello sir. If you would just let me through — it is Friday, and I must be home before dusk.”

Oh no.

“For SHABBAT.”

That AOL app is a killer.

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 12:54:00 -0400

Judas: Hey, Jesus — I have a question about the Pharisees.
Jesus: Your mother is a prostitute.
Judas: You… you haven’t even heard my question.
Jesus: You just can’t deal with the fact that I tell it like it is.
Judas: No, Encyclopedia Britanica “tells it like it is”. You’re just a douchbag.
Jesus: Oh, hey — my phone’s ringing. I wonder who it is.
Judas: You don’t have a phone.
Jesus: Oh! It’s my dad — God!
Judas: AT&T cancelled your contract…
Jesus: What’s that, God? Judas should cut it out?
Judas: …because you kept trying to pay them in “Jesus dollars”…
Jesus: I agree, Dad, Judas *is* a dick.
Judas: …and because you told that customer representative that you’d send her to hell…
Jesus: You saw Judas’s mom doing *what*, Heavenly Father?
Judas: …and then you asked her out and she said no and you called her a lesbian…
Jesus: So I guess I was, right, huh? Judas’s mom _is_ a prostitute?
Judas: …and then you started crying and she had to call her supervisor and you kept trying to convince them you didn’t understand that the “unlimited” plan only meant 2,000 texts a month. And then they hung up and you were so mad you cursed that fig tree…
Jesus: Thanks, God. Talk to you later.
Judas: …
Jesus: That was God on the pho-
Judas: Yesiheardthankyou.

If these walls could talk.

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 08:43:15 -0400

“Hey! You’ve been gone a while! Not that I minded, not that I was waiting, not that I had no idea even of where you were of how long you’d be… But you’re back now! So what’s up?

“Hey I noticed you copied over E! True Hollywood Stories on the TiVo. Must have been a mistake, right? I mean, I recorded them special. It’s okay. You can just buy me the DVDs. I can see that you really needed the hard drive space. For four hours of the test pattern.

“Hey, so I have some friends coming over later. Not a big thing, we’re just gonna shoot the shit, maybe watch a movie or something. So… I kind of need the place to myself. You can totally just stay in your room if you like. Although it would be nice to have the whole apartment. I mean, I already *do*, but. Y’know.

“Hey, you bought a picture? That’s a nice picture. That a boat or something? Man, that’s gonna look great leaning gently up against me. Or maybe just laid on the floor. Make it a feature. A talking point.

“No, you don’t need that hammer. Or those nails. Please. Think about what you’r-Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Owwww.”

4 hours is when you worry.

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:16:04 -0400

Judas: Jesus! Get over here.
Jesus: Kind of taking a break, here, Judas.
Judas: Jesus, it isn't a trust exercise unless you actually take part. Get over here.
Jesus: I kind of feel like you should trust me anyway, seeing as I'm the Messiah and everything.
Judas: To be honest, it's kind of hard to trust someone who keeps putting itching powder in my sandals.
Jesus: Look, I'm sorry that you're allergic to my Holy Annointing Dust-
Judas: -Oh, I didn't realize you could *get* "Holy Annointing Dust" at Fred's Joke Shop on 9th Street.
Jesus: Have you been following me?
Judas: YES. You *asked* us to. "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me." You said that. You. Thanks for calling us sheep, by the way.
Jesus: So were you following me when I went to-
Judas: -Yes.
Jesus: Because I'm just holding that for a friend.
Judas: Just come over here and catch me when I tip backwards. It's not hard.
Jesus: Can I get some angels to do it?
Judas: I really feel like that'd be testing God.
Jesus: Maybe *you're* testing God.
Judas: Why can't you just get up and do this for a few seconds?
Jesus: I have a boner. For like 3 hours now.
Judas: ...
Jesus: I think I got sold some bad stuff.
Judas: ...
Jesus: ...
Judas: Matthew! Come catch me!

I am nowhere near the end.

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:47:00 -0400

Jesus: Hey, guys? Does anyone know how to calculate a 20% tip?
Judas (muttering): Of *course* he can't do math.
Peter: Yeah, gimme the bill, I can work it out.
Jesus: Great. Oh, and one last thing: Truly, truly, one of you will betray me.
Peter: Carry the 1... Guys how many cubits are there in a dozen?
Judas: Wait, wait -- hold the phone. Jesus, you know that one of us is going to betray you?
Jesus: Um... yep.
Judas: And do you know *who* it is?
Jesus: Oh, bigtime.
Peter: I think I'm doing this wrong. Should we be tipping a Benjamin on an eighty dollar bill?
Judas: And you're not going to do anything to stop him? Or her.
Jesus: I guess it's kind of the plan or something. I wasn't really paying attention. Real Housewives was on.
Judas: So this person who's gonna betray you, they're kind of doing God's work, right?
Jesus: I don't know. Apparently one of those New Jersey wives is a *mobster*.
Judas: Yeah, no shit. Seriously -- there won't be any punishment for the betrayal, right? Maybe just a slap on the wrist, or something?
Jesus: Oh, no, I think I heard something about an eternity in hell.
Judas: Shit.
Matthew: Hey, Judas -- are those new shoes?
Judas: Shit shit shit shit shit.

John Connor, after saving the human race from destruction at the hands of Skynet, tries the dating scene.

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 12:06:00 -0400

John sits at the table, waiting. His eyes are scanning every exit, a reflex he can’t get rid of. She walks in. Angels don’t descend.

The machines always tend to look perfect. The only way to be even close to sure is to pick an uggo. That’s one of John’s rules. You might have read that on John’s blog. He has over a dozen readers.

“Hi, I’m Justine.”

“I’m John. I’ll need you to down that glass of water, please. I mean, if you’re not worried about rust.”

She’s taken aback, but heard that this guy takes some getting used to.

“Did you bring your birth certificate?”

“Um… no.”

“I suppose it was destroyed on Judgement Day. Very convienient.”

“No, I just… I don’t usually bring it on dates.”

The waiter approaches, a little too stiff for John’s taste, but he’ll let it slide.

“I hope you don’t mind — I ordered.”

The waiter gives John his food — a raw steak. John takes out a carving knife and divides the meat into chunks. After inspecting them, he takes a blowtorch to each piece, pops it in his mouth and chews for a full sixty seconds.

“They can hide under flesh. You have to see under it to be sure.”

“Well, you can’t see under my flesh, how do you know I’m not a machine?”

He stares at her.

“Correct. How do I know you’re not a machine?”

More chewing.

“So tell me about yourself, John. What are your parents like?”

“My mother is dead. She was amazing.”

“Oh, well I’m sorry to hea-“

“-She was amazing.”

The steak sizzles in the blue flame.

“So I hear you were in the army?”

“No, never joined the army. Just fought in a war. For mankind. You remember that later when I ask to come in for coffee.”

“I don’t think that’s gonna happen. I think I’m gonna go.”

She gets up, walks away.

“Wait! Wait! Um… come with me if you want to live?”

She leaves.

John Connor will take his steak to go.

Jesus is a jerk even in the original version of this story.

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 08:43:05 -0400

Judas: Jesus, you have to come out here! The waves are beating the ship — we’re going to drown!
Jesus: Eh.
Judas: What the fuck!? Get out here and do something!
Jesus: I’m kind of tired, Judas. That’s why I was *asleep*.
Judas: Oh. Well, yeah I guess that’s oka- WE’RE GOING TO DIE, JESUS.
Jesus: Alright, alright, keep your panties on.
Judas: We wear loincloths.
Jesus: Guys, is he keeping his panties on?
Peter: Judas is totally losing his shit, Jesus.
Matthew: Yeah, I think he was crying. Dude started begging God for his life. Actually got down on his knees and *prayed*.
Jesus: What a gaylord.

Infiltrating the Liberals.

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 20:02:00 -0400

We were volunteering at a local homeless shelter. Obviously a front for ACORN or some other brain-washing organization. I wouldn’t have taken the time off of work, but I’d freed up some hours by going Galt.

I was ladling soup into bowls, and talking to the vagrants.

“How come you’re homeless? Obama?”

They seemed to mostly get angry when I mentioned Hussein, with good reason. I gave a wink, acknowledging the feelings we definitely shared, but couldn’t voice in this liberal stronghold.

I must not have been as subtle as I thought, or maybe the scent of a True American was just too strong. Either way, one of my fellow volunteers (footsoldiers?) came over and started asking questions.

“Could you take a mop over to the corner? Someone’s thrown up all over the linoleum.”

More like someone’s thrown up all over the country.

“Sure thing, bud. Quick question — where’s the birth certificate?”

“What?”

Oh no. I’d been found out.

“SOCIALISM.”

His heart will go on.

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 18:11:00 -0400

Jesus: The pumps will buy you time… but minutes only. From this moment, no matter what we do, Titanic will founder.
Matthew: But this ship can’t sink!
Jesus: She is made of iron, sir. I assure you, she can. And she will. It is a mathematical certainty.
Judas: What are you guys doing?
Jesus: Huh?
Judas: Don’t even try it, Jesus. What are you guys doing?
Jesus: We’re quoting Titanic. Do you have a problem with that?
Judas: Well, kind of. Especially since I was told we’d be out giving footrubs to the lepers today.
Jesus (to Matthew): Dude, he totally did it.
JESUS AND MATTHEW LAUGH
Judas: Are you fucking kidding me? I touched the feet of a dozen lepers and you guys just stayed home and played Titanic?
Matthew: No. We also *watched* Titanic.
Judas: How? You shouldn’t have a DVD player! We were meant to give away all our stuff!
Jesus: Peter! You have to come hear this! Judas gave away all his stuff!

You should hear him do "Poker Face".

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 14:12:00 -0400

Jesus: And we must always remember that we hold these truths to be self-evident-
Judas: You kidding me?
Jesus: What?
Judas: You know what.
Jesus: Look, Judas, bad artists copy. Great artists steal.
Judas: You are ridiculous.
Jesus: It’s like I always say: just dance. Gonna be okay. Do do-do-do.
Judas: Oh, I get it. You’re doing this on purpose.
Jesus: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Judas: I can see you smirking. Stop smirking.
Jesus: Stop hitting yourself.
Judas: That doesn’t work unless you’re *making* me hit myself.
Jesus: …
Judas: …
Jesus: I had sex with your Mom.

PROPOSAL: THE FIRST NIHILIST IPHONE APP.

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 10:37:00 -0400

Horizon One™. When you first run it, it won’t even open. The icon will pulse and move — seeming, almost, to grow — before becoming still, cold, and dead. The color will fade from it — a condition that will spread to other icons nearby. Sometimes you will imagine it winking at you, at others you will forget you ever bought the application at all. At yet other times, you will want taffy. Because taffy is delicious.

From then on Horizon One™ will take control of your phone. It will pore through your applications, learning about you. “How are your teeth?” it will ask, hours after you miss a dental appointment it removed from your calendar. You will visit your contacts list, only to discover that every information field in every profile has been replaced with the question “when are you not yourself?”

The shopping list you keep in Notes will be amended — “milk, eggs, deliver my eternal soul from nothingness.” Horizon One™ will send you e-mails from a you that is apparently drifting in a void, asking for help. They will become increasingly desperate, and frenzied. You will receive these e-mails until you realize that the void is life, and you are caught in its grip. Upon this epiphany, Horizon One™ will brick your phone, allowing you to see only the lock screen. The wallpaper has changed — a picture of you, in chains, forever screaming. Slide to unlock. Slide to unlock.

Also Twitter integration.