We are in Limbo. St. Peter is wearing a white robe and standing behind a podium. On a row of chairs sits Ruth, who is impatiently tapping her foot.
Ruth
Okay, uh… Are you bigger than a breadbox?
St. Peter
Yes. And no.
Ruth
The whole point of “twenty questions” is to eliminate possibilities. I can’t do that if you’re both.
St. Peter
Maybe I’m a being with no traditional spatial concerns.
Ruth
…Are you God? …Again?
St. Peter
Yes! Well done! My turn.
Ruth
This is crap. You keep picking “God”.
St. Peter
If I pick anything else it’s an affront to the Lord.
Ruth
How much longer do I have to play this stupid game with you?
St. Peter gestures to a large, dusty book that is sitting on his podium.
St. Peter
No listing for “Ruth White” in the big book, okay? You’re not good enough for heaven, not bad enough for hell. Gotta stick around ‘til you move that dial.
Ruth
I’m meant to become a better person while I’m sat in an empty waiting room? The best I can do is play fashion police and tell you that your dress looks stupid.
St. Peter
It’s a robe. It’s my uniform. I didn’t choose it. Heck, I don’t even get to decide when I go to the bathroom.
Ruth
That’s a joke, right?
St. Peter
I wish. I’ve been waiting to pee for nearly 2,000 years. Luckily I have the patience of a saint.
Ruth is silent.
St. Peter
See, that was a joke. Because I actually am a saint.
Ruth
I didn’t really pay attention in Sunday school.
St. Peter
And yet you complain about being made to wait before you get into heaven…
Ruth
Why do you need someone to give you the okay just to urinate?
St. Peter
I can’t just walk away and leave the gates unattended. My job is to guard the entrance of heaven, no matter what.
Ruth
Well, how about a little quid-pro-quo?
St. Peter
That doesn’t sound like a very saintly thing for me to engage in.
Ruth
I’m just suggesting that I man your lectern-
St. Peter
It’s a podium.
Ruth
-I man your podium, keep an eye on everything happening over here, and you can go relieve your angelic self.
St. Peter
I said I’m a saint, not an angel. Did you go to Sunday school at all?
Ruth
Anyway, I’ll mind the gates, and you can empty your bladder, and then when you get back you can let me into heaven a little early. A bargain, eh?
St. Peter
I’m sorry, I can’t do that. I’ve been given a calling. That’s not something you can just abandon.
Ruth
Okay, okay. Sure. I understand. I’ll just wait here, then. Wait here until I learn my lesson.
St. Peter nods.
Ruth
Say, I’m thirsty right about now. Are you thirsty?
St. Peter
No.
Ruth
Yep. Real thirsty. Could go for a nice tall glass of ice-cold lemonade, yessir.
St. Peter
Well, we don’t have any of that. Sorry.
Ruth
It’s the little things I’m going to miss: a refreshing drink, a hot shower after a long day, the smell of grass after a heavy, heavy rainfall.
St. Peter
Ah, yes. I see what you’re doing. It’s not going to work, okay?
Ruth
I remember taking vacations to the beach, and spending hours in the ocean, just paddling around, the waves lapping around me.
St. Peter
This isn’t mature.
Ruth
Did you ever see that Spike Lee movie, with the fire hydrant spraying everywhere?
St. Peter
Now you’re clearly reaching.
Ruth
I guess my biggest regret is that I never got to visit the Niagara Falls. All that rushing water, thousands of gallons every second, just cascading down-
St. Peter
Fine, fine! I give up! But this isn’t you winning, alright? I can’t listen to you prattle on any longer.
Ruth gets up and moves over to the podium.
Ruth
You’re gonna go to the bathroom? And then you’ll let me into heaven?
St. Peter
Whatever. If it gets you to shut up, sure.
Ruth
Awesome! Okay, what do I have to do while you’re gone?
St. Peter
For God’s sake, don’t “do” anything. Just… if anybody comes in, tell them that I’ll be right back.
Ruth
Sure thing. You go drain the snake.
St. Peter
We try not to mention snakes up here.
Ruth
Sunday school?
St. Peter shakes his head and mutters as he walks off stage left.
Ruth
Yelling to St. Peter.
Hey, seeing as you’re wearing that dress, you’re probably gonna want to pee sittin’ down.
st. peter
From offstage.
IT’S A ROBE.
ruth
To herself.
I know a dress when I see one.
Ruth leafs through the book on the podium. JOSHUA wanders in from bottom right stage.
Joshua
Um, excuse me?
ruth
Oh, hi! What’s up? I mean, uh, hello… my child.
Joshua
Hi. This is awkward. I’m kind of confused as to how I got here.
ruth
Listen, I’m just filling in for someone else right now, but… I’m sorry. You died.
joshua
I died!?
ruth
I know, right? It totally freaked me out, too.
joshua
Well what do I… What do I do now?
ruth
Again, I’m really just a substitute. If you’ll wait a few minutes…
joshua
Wait a few-? I just freaking died and you’re telling me to stand around like it’s no big deal?
ruth
Hey, buddy, I-! Wait. You’re right. I know what’s it like in your shoes. Lemme help you out. What’s your name?
Joshua
It’s Josh. Joshua McDonald.
ruth
Okay, one second…
Ruth looks through the book, runs her finger down the page until she finds the name.
ruth
Congratulations, you’re actually in the book. “Joshua MacDonald.” Looks like you’re, uh… Oh.
Yelling, to St. Peter.
Hey, Pete! What do you do when you have to tell someone they’re going to hell?
joshua
What!?
st. Peter
From offstage.
What? Uh, I usually don’t. I just tell them to take the exit on the right. They find out when they get there.
ruth
To St. Peter.
No reason!
To Joshua.
Okay, so it looks like you’re just gonna have to-
joshua
Are you kidding me!? I heard every word of what you said! There’s no way I’m going to hell.
Ruth
Look, dude, I feel you. But you probably did something terrible, and now it’s just… time to pay the price.
joshua
But I… I went to church, I paid my tithe… This doesn’t make any sense!
ruth
Josh. Buddy. Don’t make me bust out my angel powers on you.
Joshua
Resigned.
I… Okay. You’re right. I probably deserve this. I’m… I’m sorry I yelled at you.
ruth
Uninterested.
Uh-huh. Off you go.
Joshua exits via upper stage right.
joshua
Oh, this isn’t so bad at all- OH, OH MY GOD! ARGHHH!
ruth
“Angel powers”. Idiot.
St. Peter returns.
st. peter
That took a lot longer than I thought it would. What were you asking me about hell for, anyway?
ruth
I think you’re gonna be really proud of me, Pete. I totally helped usher a soul into the afterlife.
st. peter
WHAT!?! I told you not to do anything.
ruth
I tried that - so boring. Besides, I did everything perfect. Took the guy’s name, looked it up in the book, boom: Joshua MacDonald - Hell.
st. peter
Did you check the spelling on “MacDonald”?
ruth
…What’s that, Pete?
st. peter
There are two ways to spell the guy’s last name.
ruth
Well, you know how intense this job can get, not thinking clearly…
st. peter
You sent a guy to hell and didn’t even double-check?
ruth
So… are we gonna send me up to heaven now? Quid-pro-
St. Peter glares at her.
ruth
…quo?
st. peter
You realize I have to fix this now, right?
Yelling to stage right.
Lucifer! LUCIFER!
Ruth
Kind of a big day, huh?
St. Peter
Shut up.
LUCIFER enters from stage right. He is wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
ruth
No robe for him?
st. peter
Yeah. The devil kind of likes to play by his own rules.
lucifer
Hey, Petey, what’s up?
St. Peter shudders.
st. peter
Lucifer. We need you to return a mis-delivered soul.
lucifer
Oh, you mean my man Josh? But he’s having a whale of a time!
Josh wails.
Lucifer
It’s not like you to send a soul to the wrong place. Heck, I don’t think you’ve made a single mistake in…
st. peter
2,000 years.
lucifer
Now, why would you go and mess up that perfect score?
st. peter
Mumbling.
I had to pee.
lucifer
…Of course. Well, I don’t know if you’re familiar with my whole operation, Petey, but it’s sort of a “get as many souls as I can” type of thing-
ruth
Uh, hi, yeah, Mr. Lucifer, or whatever. This whole mix-up is actually my fault. So if you could let Josh go I’d be really gratefu-
st. peter
Ruth, let me handle… Wait. Hey, Lucifer? How about a trade? Give me Josh back and you can have Ruth here.
ruth
Excuse me? There is no way that is happening. How about you head on down to hell, Pete?
Lucifer
HEY. Both of you. Maybe keep you noses out of my business? I decide who I let into the underworld, thank you very much.
st. peter
Look, I know you’ve got this war with God going on-
ruth
Really? A war?
st. peter
Ruth, please, shut up. And crack a book once in a while.
lucifer
I’d call it more of a contest, but whatever.
st. peter
Most souls wins, right? Well, do you really want to be counting up your spoils on Judgement Day and have to stop and argue over how you got this particular soul?
lucifer
Ugh! Fine. You can have the idiot back. He cries like a girl, anyway. But you-
Lucifer points at St. Peter.
lucifer
Make sure Ruthie here doesn’t have a hand in any more of your work. Get a bedpan. And you-
Lucifer points at Ruth.
lucifer
Stay the hell out of hell.
Lucifer walks off stage upper right. St. Peter glares at Ruth as Joshua shuffles back onstage.
St. Peter
Josh, I assume? Come this way, it’s all alright now.
Joshua freaks out when he sees Ruth.
Joshua
No! No! Devil-woman! Devil-woman hurt me!
St. Peter
Here, go through this door. I promise, you’ll be fine.
Terrified, Joshua walks off stage upper left.
Joshua
From offstage.
Oh, it’s beautiful! Thank you! Thank you!
Ruth
Any way I can follow Josh up there?
st. peter
Let’s just check the book again, shall we? I bet you’re toooootally heaven-bound now(!)
Ruth
Alright, you don’t have to be sarcastic about it…
st. peter
Wait. Oh no.
ruth
What?
st. peter
Can I, uh, can I just check on the spelling of your last name?
ruth
Are you kidding?
st. peter
Okay, I got a Ruth Wight here, W-H-Y-T-E, but you’re “White” like the colour, right?
Ruth
No. Not at all.
St. Peter
Oh. Well, uh, no harm done, right?
ruth
So I was meant to go to heaven this whole time?
st. peter
Yeah… “Whoops”, huh?
ruth
Okay, well, it’s been nice knowin’ ya, Pete, but I’m gonna head off.
St. Peter
No, no, that Josh guy could see you and go into a fit, and then people start asking questions…
ruth
Well, then what am I gonna do?
St. Peter
I’m, uh… I’m bigger than a breadbox.
Ruth sits back down.
ruth
…Let me guess - also smaller than a breadbox?
St. Peter
Bingo!